Parenting is a shuffling act when things go well, but when life backs up like bad plumbing, even chaos is a welcomed friend. What each parent needs is a Parenting plan that prioritizes what will inevitably come – pain. Pain me now or pain me later. The one certain aspect of parenting is that you will have pain.
It’s 25 minutes past bed time and your 8 year-old-crumb-crunchin’ piece of energy gets out of bed and taps you on the shoulder as you finally settle down to watch your favorite TV program.
Decision time: pain avoidance or pain priority.
Pain avoidance: “not now son daddy’s busy. Go back to bed where you belong. Mom has already put you down once, don’t make me put you down again.” As you shuffle your son off to bed, using your peripheral vision to verify compliance while keeping both eyes on the TV, you fail to notice a tear slowly cascade down his cheek.
Pain priority: you look at your son because it’s past bedtime and his behavior is outside standard operating procedures. When you see your son’s cherubic face, you notice a tear well up in his eye. Before a word is uttered you are practicing pain priority, you are present.
“What’s wrong son,” you ask? He jumps into your arms searching for comfort. After dinner he caught the evening news showing the picture of a slain elementary school teacher. By bedtime he’d worked himself into a frenzy worried that his teacher might also get hurt.
Parents approach children with two options:
Pain Avoidance Pain Priority
* Seek Agreement * Seek Understanding
* Contention * Conflict
* Blame * Root Cause (Assembly Line B)
* Tell * Teach
All avoidance behaviors are short cuts. The priorities take more time and energy up front, with the reward coming at a future date. It’s interesting how we laugh or scoff at our children’s inability to delay gratification. It’s not so funny when you realize they learned the trait from you.
Agreement vs. Understanding
When a parent speaks with his child seeking agreement, the parent is avoiding the pain of listening, learning, and teaching. “Go to bed” without seeking understanding is seeking agreement and avoidance behavior.
“When I was your age I would…” is seeking agreement. The child is expected to believe you know what they are thinking. You don’t. Furthermore, do you as the parent actually believe your story of a difficult life will instill a greater desire to learn more and to increase their obedience factor?
Who are you kidding? Don’t you remember what it was like when your mom or dad said that to you?
Contention vs. Conflict
When a parent makes the learning process personal and guilt ridden, the parent is operating from a position of contention. Whenever contention exists progress is stopped. “Why can’t you obey?” “What’s wrong with you?” How does this line of questioning improve the situation?
Conflict is to be resolved while contention is to be avoided. It’s harder to resolve conflict than to avoid it. Conflict is required for progress and is defined as a difference of opinion with a common goal. What parent doesn’t want joy and happiness for her child? So does the child. Same goal!!!
Blaming vs. Assembly Line B
Blaming is an escape from discovery. Blaming is avoiding the time it takes to learn about the root cause (Assembly Line B). Learning requires listening, silence, patience, and your presence. Blaming requires only empty words. No thinking, no understanding, no teaching, no compassion, just avoidance behavior.
Tell vs. Teach
Telling is a one-way street, a monologue. It’s easy to spout off and expect your child to obey. It’s not practical, permanent, or effective, but it’s easier than teaching.
Teaching is a dialogue.
The definition of teaching is to delegate thinking to your child.
In order to delegate thinking, you must be patient, present, listen, and see your child as a human being with concerns, weaknesses, desires, potential, and feelings.
Effective parenting is a skill that must be developed. It’s not something you read about and perform. It requires knowledge about effective communication and a mentor or coach that will teach you how to master the skills required.