Carl’s 4 Steps to Effective Communication

Dr. Wayne Diamond taught me that the definition of communication is the search of understanding. The opposite of this is to seek agreement. When we seek agreement we are not listening and we are manipulating. Seeking agreement is another way of saying that you express your opinion without being asked.

How long can you go in a conversation without expressing your opinion? Most folks I’ve challenged to go 24 hours don’t last through the first conversation.

So what is the secret to communicating without the intent to gain agreement? I recently invaded a tweet-sation (conversation of tweets) between Carl Ingalls and my son Charles.

Here is the text of the tweets with my thoughts italicized in parenthesis.

Carl: I try to think of my opinions as being hypothesis. They are easier to get rid of that way.

Charles: That’s a good way of thinking of opinions. Helps us not worry about who is right, as opposed to what is right.

(Both profound comments that gave me pause to think, so I chimed in with a question…)

Richard: How did you learn to approach the possibility of being wrong without getting defensive?

(Words are cheap and it’s easy to claim an open mind but in practice people truly tend to seek agreement rather than understanding. Maybe Carl had some thoughts. Pay attention to how Carl handles the question.)

Carl: A really great question, one that requires me to think on it, and I appreciate that very much.

(After some time passed, Carl sent the following sequence of responses…)

Carl: #1 Let go of the idea that being right impresses people. It doesn’t.

(That is profound…if what I say doesn’t impress people then the search for agreement is dealt a strong blow. It also means that trying to be seen as smart, or cute, or funny is another way of seeking agreement.)

Carl: #2 If you’re not offensive about being right, you’ll be less defensive about being wrong.

(How do people think of these things on the fly? Another profundity!)

Carl: #3 If there is a possibility that you may be wrong, be open about it up front.

(Think about that concept, if there is a possibility that you may be wrong…but if I’m seeking agreement, how can I be wrong? His point exactly.)

Carl: #4 Get in the habit of discovering that you were wrong before anyone else does. Be proud of winning that race.

(Can you imagine our politicians and business leaders operating on Carl’s 4 steps of effective communication? We would lose 50 percent of the attorney population. We would eliminate the countless hours of bickering and all the closed-door sessions that pass bills in the dark.

Big business would be ethical and honest and we’d focus more energy on leveling the playing field by helping those who are down versus bringing down those who are up. Carl’s concluding remark was equally stellar…)

Carl: Get agreement or approval about facts and decisions, but not about whether you are right or not.

(The only way to square agreement in a conversation is to learn what the other person is thinking. Dr. Diamond taught me that agreement only comes after understanding, but it is not required. It’s okay not to agree as long as it doesn’t become personal.)

I hope you can use Carl’s wisdom as a stepping-stone to improving your communication skills.